I am having a bit of a week over here. Today, I gave myself a personal day. My blog post for the day was already scheduled, and besides a call with a consulting client, I gave myself permission to just have a day to do nothing and just be still. I made eggs. I read this entire book in five hours or so. (FYI – it’s your standard chick lit read; I could predict the entire storyline and was fine with that… devoured it anyway. It was fun.) I ate some chocolate in bed. I felt… gloriously lazy, but also just really sad.
To be honest, I feel really lonely and I can’t seem to shake it. I’m pretty introverted by nature so it feels strange to complain about this, but that’s where I am right now in this particular moment. I am independent (often to a fault) and value my me-time so incredibly much. I frequently feel overwhelmed by my busy New York life and schedule to a point where I find myself paralyzed by the idea of adding one more thing to my calendar. And sometimes I’ll get so overwhelmed by people that I’ll cancel my plans or duck out of an event early in favor of having some alone time. But I got back here from Boston yesterday afternoon and just felt drained, lonely, and sad.
It’s probably a mix of a few things. The first thing has been watching so many of my friends leave the city. Jess + Hallie both moved away this week which was really sad… but in the past year or so, I’ve actually had eight good friends (including Jess + Hallie) move away. I have a lot of acquaintances + friends that I like hanging out with, but it takes me a really long time to call someone a close friend… and right now it feels like everyone is leaving, just as things were getting good.
The second thing is not going to an office anymore. At my old day job, I sat across from one best friend and next to another… there was nothing better. The friendships, the brainstorm sessions, the camaraderie + silliness that we had… I miss it so much. So much had changed though… several of my close friends at the office had moved on to other opportunities, and that small, start-up feel had gone away. It was time for me to move on, but it still wasn’t easy. But I also kind of miss the structure (definitely didn’t think I would!) Now, weekdays blur in with weekends and on some days I will find myself at home, working… without interacting with a single human, all day long.
The last thing is that the guy I’m seeing is currently doing the Transatlantic Race. He’s racing across the Atlantic Ocean in a 48 foot sailboat with 9 other men. It’s the coolest thing in the world, but also very weird + a little hard as I’m not going to see him for five weeks… and for three of those weeks he’s out on the open sea… which means (literally) zero communication. I find myself constantly wanting to text him and having to put the phone away. I also worry as ummm… that’s kind of dangerous, sailing across the Atlantic and all. It’s also weird to miss someone. I have a really difficult time letting people in, especially after going through a hard breakup. In a way I’m actually happy that I’m sad about this, if that even makes any sense?
Oof. I feel better just writing this all down, but still, sad. I’ve said it before but whenever I feel like this, the first step (I think) is to acknowledge that it’s okay to be sad. It’s fine… good, even. As human beings, we are not meant to be happy all the time. It’s also important to acknowledge that the emotion is temporary. Sadness, joy, grief, anger… they come and they go.
So I’m just taking a day today. I have a million things that I should be doing. I really should clean my apartment and blog and exercise and get work done and make something healthy to eat. But no… I just ate another helping of the ice cream/salted caramel sauce I featured earlier today. Oops. Tomorrow’s another day.
Writing about this stuff always helps, too… I don’t write a lot of these longer posts as I don’t want to bore you guys with the details of my inner monologue, but when I do, it always helps. It helps me to hear your perspective on whatever it is I’m sharing, and I like to think that my sharing is helpful in case you are feeling this way too and can know that you aren’t alone in feeling that way.
But anyways… onwards and upwards. I’m going to buy myself some flowers, run a few errands, and settle in for the night with a good movie (any recommendations?)
*Sidenote: if you’re ever feeling like treating yourself, to something really special… this salted caramel bar is insane.
Photos: Death to the Stock Photo