Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is what sort of life I aspire to lead. The ideal and “perfect” life, if everything were exactly up to me. It came to me over tea with my lovely friend Emma last week. We were at my apartment, having a healthy snack and drinking ginger tea. I realized how relaxed I felt, and thought about how nice that was.
When I close my eyes and picture that ideal state, when a friend asks me how things are, my first answer is not: “Hectic.” I would be able to be out with friends and not feel anxious. I would be present in the moment vs. preoccupied and busy. Busy. If I had a choice, I’d actually really like to eliminate that word from my vocabulary. There is always an event. There are always parties, obligations. There are late nights in the office and later nights spent at my desk at home. On top of that I find myself consulting on different projects that I really have no business taking on. I like helping people and have a hard time saying no. I feel guilty just staying in and having a nice night at home or with close girlfriends when I could be doing, doing, doing. And I’m really bad at making time for myself. There is always work to do, posts to write, and dinners and parties and events. All of just leaves me feeling a little bit exhausted, and not at all calm. It wears me down and sometimes I feel like a dumber version of myself because I’m just doing too many things.
In thinking about this ideal state, I realized that the thing I want most is to live a happy and calm life. Getting there is going to take some changes. I am being ruthless with my possessions… selling clothes and throwing away anything that I don’t use or wear frequently. Clutter makes me stressed. As I decorate my new apartment, I have been very mindful of what I bring into the space. I need new things, but I want my home to be a peaceful sanctuary, away from the craziness that comes from living in Manhattan. I want everything inside of it to be either beautiful or functional (ideally both.) Probably most importantly is my schedule. My goal is to only make plans two, (max three) nights out of the week, and to be home and relaxed the rest of the time. I want to start doing yoga again and give meditation a try. And to read more books and take more baths. Downtime is a must.
Anyway, on that note… what sort of life do you aspire to? (And if it is a calm one, like me… what do you do to help get yourself in that state of mind?)
I aspire to do the same. Since graduating in May, I have had a job and lost a job. I had the beach body and then lost the beach body. I now work two jobs to make ends meet but the only time I allow for fun is the weekend. With that in mind, I never have a weekend to myself. There is always something going on. My health has caught up with me recently to the point of saying ” I need to go see a doctor.” But I also have to get my eyes checked and get my teeth cleaned. I think it is so hard for women to take time for themselves because I feel that we get judged for laziness or not doing enough compared to another friend or colleague who seems to “have it all.” However, I do think that many women need to take the time for themselves. I think that’s the only way to be refreshed, energized, and have a new creative mindset.
Aw, Freckles, reading this made me stressed out for you! You need to make time for yourself and take care of yourself. I really hope you went to the doctor. Health is the one thing we all take for granted until we do not have it anymore. I hope you can be better at taking a little time for yourself, at relaxing, and just taking time to breathe. And all of this will make you stronger. I’ve been there… I’ve been laid off from work, and it is the absolutel worst. And I guarantee that even the people you think have it all really don’t have everything. Everyone has their hangups and issues… some people just hide it better! 🙂
I like this…considering I am really just starting my life I feel like it is extra hard to have realistic or “normal” ideas because I have surrounded myself around bloggers like yourself who to me lead perfect lives ( i know i know they are not perfect) but to a outside/younger eye they are lives that I aspire for!
Oh Emily, it isn’t perfect!! 😉 It’s good to have big goals, but also so important to give yourself a break and not be so hard on yourself.
I love this post, Grace!! It’s so honest and true. I am stressed out by the same things you are (clutter!! haha!) but I find it’s so important to just be with a friend now and again who helps me relax, who I can vent to, and who I can just be myself with rather than try to be someone else. I was going crazy for a long time without someone like that in my life who lived close to me!! But now I’ve made a standing date with a girlfriend to just get together once a month in the afternoon (not a crazy night) and talk about things, as well as plan life goals. There are always things to do, and sometimes being busy for the sake of looking busy is not good to body and soul. I too had to pull back after awhile and really examine what was important to me and how I wanted to life my life. I love that you put that into words above – and wish you all the best in your journey finding your inner peace:-)
xo
Carly
Ahh thanks for stopping over, Carly. I agree, while there are times while I can’t help but be busy, I think it is so important to learn to say no and really make sure you are only spending your free time doing the things you really love to do. I hope you are doing well!
Love this post Grace. I think it’s a matter of just being very selective about what you do events-wise, and what you say yes to. I have a very calm life because I just naturally am a bit of a homebody, and I really prefer to relax with a book at home then to go out. That being said, I like to do certain things that seem really special or fun, or make plans with someone I really enjoy spending time with. I think when you do a little less and say no to some things, the things that you do wind up doing feel more special. I think it’s tough though in Manhattan, because even though I prefer relaxing at home, I often do feel a teensy bit guilty that I’m not out doing all of the myriad things that the city has to offer. It’s about finding a balance and I think you’re on the right track with doing things two or three times a week and relaxing the other nights-especially when you’re working full-time and running a blog. It’s easy to run yourself ragged, so I think it’s a good idea to be mindful of taking time for yourself.
Exactly. I think “selective” is exactly the word I was looking for here… it can be so tough in this city, and I definitely have a little bit of FOMO when I stay in, but at the same time, I know myself and know how exhausted and antsy I feel when I burn the candle at both ends.
Gosh I love this! I find myself constantly talking to one of my friends and asking, “why do we do this to ourselves?!?” We’re constantly over committing and while everything we do we love and enjoy and always have fun but at the end of the day it’s important to take time for ourselves. I aspire to a calm life as well and while I think I’m getting a little better at “picking my battles” I still have a lot of saying no practice to do!
Great post!
xx
Katie
http://www.pearlsandtwirls.net
Exactly… why do we do this to ourselves! I think it is so important to take a step back and not overcommit. I have a lot of practice to do too, but I think having the realization is the first step. 🙂
love this post. all last year my husband and i were planning our wedding…and as exciting as a wedding is, it’s was so unbelievably stressful…it really took it out of me. add to that freelance work on top of my day job, and i was definitely stretched too thin. it’s been a few months now since our wedding, we just got back from our honeymoon, and i am ready for change. i’m working really hard on cutting out the clutter in our apartment. I’m working to streamline my closet so getting “ready” in the morning isn’t a chore, and so that i can focus on the small luxuries that i need to be a human. a cozy blanket to warm up on a chilly fall night, a lovely candle to read next to, an at-home face mask once a week, and i have so many recipes i want to tackle for the sheer relaxation qualities that food provides. i want a calm, cherished life, just as you describe. and i love this post, because (newly) i’m on that path, and love to hear others aiming for the same thing.
yes, yes, yes! Last night I was curled up… face mask on, candle burning, mug of chamomile tee on my coffee table… it felt pretty perfect. It’s nice to know that so many others are working at the same thing. 🙂
I’m at a point in my life where I’m definitely struggling with this. I fell into a bit of a rut where I stayed home all. the. time. I felt mopey and spent way too many hours in front of the tv and on my laptop. I got lazy. At first cozying up in your pj’s with a glass of wine to watch hours of TLC sounds like a dream, but when that becomes your routine, you turn into kind of a bum. So then I started saying yes to every invitation. I partied multiple nights a week all summer long. I felt like I was in my early 20’s again. NOW, I find myself feeling a little partied out but not knowing what to do to find a happy medium. A life that’s social and fun and interesting without leaving me hungover and eating takeout every Sunday! 😉 I’m on a quest for balance!
Kate you basically described what I’ve been struggling with to a tee! When my boyfriend and I were together we always stayed in and watched TV + movies… but then I felt like my life was boring and I wasn’t taking advantage of the city. And then it was fashion week and I had plans every single night. Lately I’ve gotten into this pattern where I’m at work from 9:30 til about 7, go to an event for my blog or to see my friends, and get home around 10 or 11 and work til 1am. It’s just too much. I think a happy medium is hard to find, but for me it definitely involves more yoga, more tea, and more pampering! I think its all about finding a balance… we’ll get there!
Thanks for the post — what a great sentiment. It made me think of the book “The Happiness Project” and how the author’s first of her twelve commandments was to “Be Gretchen”, or to be herself — a good mantra! If you haven’t read the book yet, I’d add it to your list. Sometimes I just re-read chapters for a refresher/reminder. Enjoy the downtime 🙂
That book is on my shelf and I still haven’t started it!!! Need to make that a priority 🙂
Oh, this post resonates with me so much! The past couple of years have been so very hectic and stressful that I was dealing with several [debilitating] health issues – all having to do with stress. I finally managed to take a couple of weeks off of work and travel and just breathe. I think I had forgotten how to relax – I was so tightly wound that no amount of weekly yoga was helping – but after taking two weeks to myself (to look at the beauty of the world, to remember how much I love art, food, music, culture, and where I had limited wifi on my phone so I was essentially disconnected) I finally felt as though the weight of all the silly stress I was carrying is gone. Not that you necessarily need to travel to get out of it, but I found that breaking my normal routine was essential to starting to think differently. Since coming back I’ve found that meditation is key, as well as yoga, long walks (sometimes, to my favorite ice cream shop!), and reading instead of tv binging (which I tend to do a LOT of!). I’ve found that surrounding myself with some of the beauty I saw abroad has also helped – it’s so easy to get stuck in a rut when you’re in a routine. I work a 9-5 at a very rad office, but I want to be a writer – and in the routine, I had forgotten how much I loved to tell stories. It was good to remember. It’s also so great to get offline and disconnect for a bit – I try to leave my phone in my purse when I’m with people so that I don’t feel tempted to check it. I’m trying to be more present and more positive.
I hope that you start to feel less hectic! xo
I am so glad the post resonated for you, Andrea! Sometimes I feel like that too… just so tightly wound. I want to do all of those things you said… go for long walks, meditate, breathe… read more than watch TV… I think it will help. I am going away at the end of the month, and I think that will help as well!! Thanks for the comment, and for sharing your experience. Oh and I have to do that with my phone as well… it has to stay in the purse!
PS where did you travel to? Now I am curious!
London, Amsterdam, Berlin, and Barcelona 🙂 I’ll be posting my pictures from London on my blog later this week, if you’re curious! wheretheenemysleeps.wordpress.com 🙂
Hi Grace,
I have been following your blog for a while now and I have to say I completely agree with you. I graduated last year from school and have taken on a ton of family and work responsibilities since then. It can be suffocating and unhealthy not to give yourself time, even though we are constantly bombarded with messages of now being the time to seize what you want and being aggressive about your career/endeavors. I am fortunate in that the organization that I work for is very generous about giving time off – I think even taking a weekday off once every two months has helped me keep my sanity, as well as mini-vacations with friends whenever possible. I have also found that being honest with myself about the things that give me energy and the things that drain my energy also helps, because I try not to prioritize things that in the end will exhaust me if it can be helped. Hope you are well!
Hey Zarin,
Thanks for your comment! Agree it can be so hard and overwhelming… when you are ambitious and want to grow your career. I do really like your idea of taking personal days and mini-vacations, though!
I totally hear you! I am incredibly guilty of overestimating the amount of things I can complete in a certain amount of time but I’m also someone that absolutely needs to get a good, 8-hour sleep every night or I don’t function well. In trying to create a freelancing career (hard to do on top of a day job), keep up with my blog, eat healthier, exercise more, see family and friends, and date, a girl can get overwhelmed!
A few silly things I do that actually help me are changing the name of my personal “To Do” list to “Suggestions.” Because I learn time and time again that the world does not end if you don’t check off all the boxes. I also only put one or two things on my calendar for each weeknight. So if on Mondays I go to barre class and then I catch up on emails to friends, I can fairly easily do both, give myself a little pat on the back, and even watch some TV. 🙂
I’m glad it’s not just me. I am the same way about my sleep… to be honest, I would prefer 9 or 10 hours, ha! I love the idea of calling your to-do’s suggestions, that is so great. Thanks for the advice!
I love this and I think so many of us are in the same boat. I’ve honestly been thinking a lot about it in the past few weeks as well…6 weeks to be exact 🙂 I had this idea that I would take advantage of all of my “free” time being on maternity leave for 6 months…and I’ve had breakdown after breakdown since Ava’s arrival because I’m not accomplishing anything at all! It took a good month for me to tell myself to wake up…that I’m not getting this time back EVER and that nothing is more important than enjoying this little person and the forced break from my racing mind. Being selective about what we take on and mindful of how we spend our free time is the best thing any of us can possibly do for ourselves. So happy that you’re doing just that! oxox
haha, that’s what all of my friends with babies say… that they thought they would have all of this “free” time but in fact they are busier than they’ve ever been! Oh well 😉 I agree, just being mindful of what it is that is filling our schedules, and making time for ourselves is the best. I hope I get to meet little Ava sometime, she is darling! xo
When people ask me how I work full-time, have a social life, sleep AND run a blog, I tell them I’m not quite sure how I’m alive haha! You do so many things, it can be hard to live a “calm life”. My best advice is to take time to relax and spend some time alone or with friends doing something leisurely. Sometimes work or projects have to take a seat to your health!
yup, that’s pretty much exactly it!! taking little breaks does help though!
i think finding the balance is the hardest thing. i am only 23 and i’m trying to figure out how to get where i want to be but then freaking out once i realize that i have to accomplish so much in a short time to make up for the last few years. this weekend was my first “free” weekend but i still had a million things to do. i just hid my to-do list and did what i wanted yesterday. it was so nice!
aw, Michelle, at age 23, you still have the whole world ahead of you!! Don’t stress… you will be where you are supposed to be in no time. I did the same thing yesterday though, hid my To-Do list and watched the Mindy Project 🙂
Think you know that I’m totally with you on this one, just with a four-year old on top of it, plus plans for another child. It’s overwhelming some days to manage a company, a home, a blog, and other engagements… and actually try to be present for all of those moments. It’s something I’m trying to figure out right now, and just said no to two things this week. It felt incredible! 🙂
I don’t even know how you do it all with a kid!!!!
Yes yes yes! Girl, you’ve got to get selfish about your me time. I’m an introvert and a complete homebody, and even though I have to network non-stop, I’m pretty controlling with my free nights and weekends. It’s really hard sometimes because friends will want to do things casually, but given the way I work (and the way you work!), I’m just not the girl to get a casual drink after work. I’m just not. And I think part of it is realizing you simply need that lifestyle, and sticking to your guns about it. The other thing, too, that has helped me lately is something I read in a HuffPo article about traits of successful women… it was about how if your to do list never ends, it’s a good thing. I was living for the day I could finally cross everything off my list and recognizing that wasn’t actually a good thing really helped alleviate a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself. The thing I’m working on now is letting blogging take more of a back seat. I don’t have a desire to be a professional blogger, so why do I strive to post everyday? It’s hard to let go on that one.
Aaaand lastly, I am a huge purger. I hate owning anything I don’t use and I find being really choosy about what I bring into my home makes life so much easier. It’s especially hard when you’re a blogger, but I turn away even more free stuff now. The act of getting rid of it adds on more work! I definitely recommend listening to Grace Bonney’s podcasts- http://www.heritageradionetwork.com/programs/79-After-the-Jump. She has some awesome ones on building the life you want to live- really recommend #50 and #47, she’s going to be doing more like that in the coming weeks! xx
Aaah thank you so much for such a thoughtful, advice-packed comment, Clara! I don’t think I’m really that girl either – it’s a realization I’m coming to. Lately I just want to be at home, drinking tea (or wine) and reading. I’m just so tired! I am glad to hear its a good thing for your to-do list to feel never ending… but man, it’s tiring!!!
Going to check out those podcasts! I love Grace!
This is an old New York Time article, but timeless…if we actually give ourselves time to read it! http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/?_r=2&
Must check this out, thanks for the recommendation! 😉
It’s so great to see a post like this because we all feel so overwhelmed in our own way. I think inevitably, when you work and have a second job (because truly blogging becomes a job) you will always feel like something’s gotta give and that’s ok. I have tried to just accept that every single day something has to give. You will never be able to go to work, exercise, go out to dinner, attend a party, clean your apartment, read a book and do laundry in the same day. And that’s ok! That’s life. It’s about priorities and realizing what is most important to YOU! And decluttering is my answer for everything….it really does make a world of difference. I’m not sure if you’ve read The Happiness Project but she talks about organization and how that helps us all be happier. It’s a great read if you have time…haha. We’re all here for you! xo
It most definitely is a second job. I think you are right… it’s all about priorities and decluttering, haha. Funny you recommend the Happiness Project… another person commented to check it out, it is sitting on my coffee table but I have yet to pick it up and actually read it!
I’m struggling with this, too! I’m a chaser – I’m always chasing the best next project, idea, etc but its def took its toll on my health and relationships. On the other hand, I’m lost and bored when not busy with 1000 things to do. Finding that happy, consistent medium is the biggest struggle! xx
glad you liked the post, chelsie!! it definitely is such a struggle.
New York is a very high energy, competitive city. Here in San Francisco we are a bit more relaxed. Although you can definitely get in into the crazy “going out every night” here, there is also more easy going alternative. Every city has a different pace, so it’s hard not To get caught up in that. My work enviorment is basically the same as working in a night club, 40+ hours a week, so I have to schedule some quiet time or lose my mind. You are right Grace, about making your home a sanctuary. Everyone needs a safe place to chill out in!
ooh – I can’t imagine working somewhere that is like a night club!!! Hope you can make some you time this week! x
I love this post! I aspire for calm and balanced where work doesn’t take up more brain power than it’s supposed to. OR I work in in an environment where I get my creative outlet and love for fashion mixed in, then I don’t think I’d mind if I was always thinking about work 🙂
Rebecca {at} Preppy Panache
I completely know where you are at. At the end of summer I wrote a similar post about taking inventory of the things in my life that enrich it, and the things that don’t necessarily. I got rid of my personal facebook, cut way back on the time I spend online, shut my computer down after work hours [or try to at least] and absolutely do not work on the weekends. You almost forget how short the weekend is when you stop opening up your computer to do something “really quickly”. It’s been a freeing experience and the farther down the road I get, the better it feels. I hope you can enjoy your downtime more and feel the calm you are craving 🙂
Whoah – I’m impressed that you deleted your personal Facebook account! It’s something I think about a lot but could never actually do.
I totally am with you on this. I am a very social person and always like to be doing, doing, doing. When i lived in Atlanta, I didn’t have many friends so I had a lot of down time. Since moving to Nashville, I have a full schedule of dinners and events and happy hours, but ive recently realized it hasn’t allowed me to do things I love, like cook and bake and read! I think I felt so boring in ATL that I try to overcompensate now… And like you, I have a hard time saying no! I’m working on being better about “me” time. Great post, Grace!
Thanks Rachel. Really think it is all about finding a good balance!
As New Yorkers we’re absolutely guilty of running around from work to event to the gym and back. “Hectic” is unfortunately an all too common answer when asked about our week. I’ve been thinking a lot about this too after my breakup and work changing from full time to freelancer. I’ve been trying my best to enjoy simple things with my girlfriends like Mani/Pedi dates or an hour here or there catching up on guilty pleasure reality tv, like the NJ Housewives.
I’m forcing myself to say “no” to press dinners unless it’s a specific article I’m working on or something I’ve been dying to try (PS – get to American Cut in Tribeca asap!). It’s time to give myself some me-time whether it’s at the gym or just starting a new book and lighting seasonal scented candles. It’s finally “ok” to sit down and have NO PLANS for once.
Enjoy your simpler times too!
xx
Sarah
All so true. I hate that word and have been trying not to use it. 😉 I will have to check out American Cut!!
Grace,
I love this post. It is something women struggle with all their lives. Men are more apt to just do one thing at a time while we try to balance it all.
I can say at 58 life is less busy, even running a restaurant! I think a regular yoga practice helps me and making time to read great books is another gift. Hopping on my bicycle makes me feel free and enjoy the moment!
I love all the replies and that you took time to answer each! I read something recently about finding something you are passionate about, keeping in touch with your friends and your family and keeping things simple.
Love you- xo
Mom
aw thanks mom. love you too. I don’t quite know how you do everything you do and stay sane!!!!!
I just scrolled through and saw all your replies to everyone’s comment, and you are so sweet! The fact that you took the time to do that makes me as a reader feel very special. As for a calm life, i have to agree with you. Pick and choose what makes sense for the life you want to live. xoxo Sydney.
ps – just read your moms comment and it was also super sweet! is that where you get it from(: ?
Aw, thank you Sydney! It is hard to always reply but I like to for these posts… your comments mean so much to me! Hope you are having a good week.
This is a great reminder to stop going going going….and to make time for myself! I, too, am guilty of being too busy and not having any free nights to relax at home. It makes such a difference in my life when I am focused on myself as a priority, not at the bottom of the list!! Cheers, Grace! Good luck to you!! 🙂
Rhonda
http://www.theskinnyarm.com
Yes!!! We shouldn’t be our bottom priorities, I feel the same way and that makes me a bit sad.
I think I aspire to have an “exciting” life but generally lately I’ve enjoyed being calm. I traveled most of summer so sometimes it’s nice to stay at home, catch up on blogs, maybe have a glass of wine? I’m getting restless, the excitement might have to pick back up soon!
I guess the old saying “stop and smell the roses” still rings true! I think success and goals and careers are at the forefront of what’s meant to be important to us… and they are! But what good is any of it if we can’t enjoy a healthy snack and ginger tea with a friend!
Hilary x thehealthycollective.com
Grace, I’m always impressed when I see your posts on instagram of how many books you do read. I always think how organized you must be to have time to yourself to read, considering how busy you are. It is all about finding balance and it’s one of the hardest things to do. I think you have excellent and attainable goals set in mind, so you will definitely reach them. I always struggle with balance and calmness as well, especially with being a new mom and finding time for everything and more importantly myself. Cheers to you and your new goals!
Grace, this is the actually the third time I have come back to read this post because it really resonates with how I am feeling at the moment (actually, all of this year if I’m honest). I’ve been struggling to find calm and balance (where I don’t constantly feel sleep-deprived, rushed and frazzled) between my day job, my blog and my life and relationships. I aspire to a calm and happy life, and think next year I really need to prioritise that more.
Good luck finding your serenity!
Briony xx